The IT Guy
by Akktri
Summary: If you're not lucky enough to get rescued by the Doctor, you end up with I.T.
1. Chapter 1: Nosy People

The plump faced young woman was running for her life. Beads of perspiration poured down her brown face, sweat plastering her kinky braids to the sides of her head.

The shiny metal men were coming. Men with barrel chests and cylinders for limbs.

They shouted for her to not resist, but then they shot people.

When she saw the odd square head appliance, she darted around a corner, narrowly avoiding a laser blast.

It was an old hotel. Doors everywhere. All of them locked. She tried door after door, but none of them opened.  
She was about to give up on trying the rest of them until she noticed something amiss about the one next to the Coke machine.

All the rest of the rooms had computerized door locks that she couldn't open, but this one had a brass handle, the kind that belonged to the front door on a house.

She ran to it, and when she pressed down on the button, she found it opening.

Without a second thought, she shoved her way in and shut the door.

The interior looked nothing like the old dilapidated hotel room she expected, nor even a deteriorating suite.

The place looked like a bachelor's apartment had collided with an airplane in midair, a smooth streamlined vehicular interior scattered with piles of laundry and what appeared to be video game peripherals. You did no so much walk into the room as you waded through the discarded pizza boxes, underwear and dirty dishes.

Handsome imitation leather car seats served as coat racks . Bewildering control panels held empty CD cases, machine parts of unknown purpose, and the occasional soda can.

A rodent of indeterminate species squeaked at her from beneath a Steelers jersey before darting under a magazine with aliens on the cover.

Her foot bumped into a railing, and she found herself staring at an enclosure containing a big glass table with fancy light up displays set in the surface.

"Fail," said a monotone voice. "Stupid chameleon circuit."

She looked up and saw a slouching sloth-like figure playing an X-Box. He was tall, with wide, flabby arms and a round belly. His hair was short and dark, his skin pasty white.

"This isn't a hotel room, you know."

She stared into his glasses. "I understand that part."

"You found your way in, so you can find your way back out."

"Please. There's metal men out there that want to kill me."

"Cybermen. Right." Sigh. "You're killing me, Smalls."

He sunk rather than seated himself in a chair, slouching to the point where only his hair could be seen above the back of the seat. His chubby fingers attacked the controls like the world's laziest pianist.  
The entire room shook sideways, then the noises in the hallway stopped.

"There. It's safe. You can leave now."

"What, just go back out into the hotel?"

"You're at a zoo. There's no cybermen. I checked. Look outside."

She tried the door, but it wouldn't budge. "It's stuck."

"That's because I changed the TARDIS into a bronze bear. Push harder. It'll open."

She tried it. Nothing. "It's still stuck."

"You're killing me, Smalls." He whispered it like a prayer. With a groan, he got up, plodding up to the door in loping ape-like movements.

After fighting and cussing at the door for a moment, it popped open, and she could see a giraffe in an enclosure, as well as a concession stand.

"See? You're right behind the Africa exhibit. You can hide out here for awhile until the cybermen go away. There's plenty of food."

"And what will you be doing in the meantime?"

He shrugged. "Once I beat Cleveland, I've got some important DVD's to watch."

"So you've got this...powerful device, and you're just going to sit here and watch movies?"

He shrugged. "You can never get tired of the Avengers." His shoulders slumped. "Honestly, I've stopped caring. I've seen too much of what's going on out there. Please go. I don't want to have to deal with this."

She sighed. "Maybe I don't want to go out there. Maybe I will be all right for a few minutes, but then they'll find me, and I'll be running for my life again."

"Fine," he sighed. "Stay here." And he went back to his game.

"What is this place?"

"It's called a room for nosy people. It contains a time console and other things you shouldn't know about."

She climbed over the rail, staring at the table. It looked like a computer. It had digital displays on it like they had on spy movies, but then it had what looked like a giant lava lamp in the center, a thing that changed color every five minutes while glowing flecks and blobs of light floated to the top.

"Who are you?" she asked the stranger.

"I'm me."

"I mean, what's your name?"

"Time lords don't have names. Call me I.T. if you want."

"You're a `time lord'?"

He shrugged. "I don't actually rule anything. Time repairman is probably a better description. But everyone on my planet calls us time lords."

"So you're a time traveler."

He only shrugged.

"Have you been to the future?"

"Yeah." He said it like he were merely telling her he'd just paid a phone bill. "It sucks. Heterosexual parents can't get WIC and child support because gay people are claiming welfare and other benefits for the cats and cloned children. There are no more trees, and child marriage is legal. What's worse, the Royals won the World Series."

"Wait a minute. Child marriage is legal in the future?"

He rubbed his face. "German shepherds have more rights than children."

She frowned. "You did say they got WIC..." She shook her head. "So they've basically legalized child abuse and molestation."

"I didn't make it up."

"And no one stopped them?"

"There are vigilantes, but the government took away everyone's guns, so they mostly stab people. Like I said, you don't want to go there."

She rolled her eyes. "You're a space alien."

"I can tell you're astonished by my otherworldly appearance."

"You look human."

"You wouldn't say that if you saw what's in my pants."

She laughed.

"I have two hearts, and my face changes every ten years." He offered her a control. "You want to play Cleveland?"

"There's an army of robots outside killing people and you want to play Madden NFL?"

The stranger sighed. "Fine. Fine. I'll take care of the cybermen."


	2. Chapter 2: Otvaqna's place

IT guy slowly shuffled through the messy room, seating himself at the glowing controls again, poking buttons with a very slight increase of haste. The room shook, then tilted, making all kinds of grinding sounds.

"What's your name?" the stranger said without enthusiasm.

"Kaluki," the girl stammered. "So, what, do I just call you I.T.?"

"Pretty much."

She rolled her eyes. "So what are you doing?"

"Moving the TARDIS."

"What is this TARDIS thing you keep talking about?"

"Television and Recreations, Diversions in Space. You're standing in it."

Kaluki shook her head. "Where are you moving us to now?"

"Vortrug. I need to think."

"Do...we have time for that?"

"This is a time machine. You can always go back a few hours."

"Seriously. A time machine."

"Yes." He rubbed his face in apparent frustration. "Hold on."

He pushed some buttons, frowning at the glowing readouts.

Kaluki pointed to a television hooked to a computer the size of a hotel refrigerator. "What's this?"

"It's a multidimensional VCR. You put in a tape and it's different every time you watch it."

She rolled her eyes. "So you're always discovering something new. How is that different from a normal VCR?"

"In a normal VCR, the plot is always the same. I've been watching Batman Returns for a week, and it keeps changing. The first one I saw involved Bruce Wayne taking Catwoman's boss to court, and the guy eventually ends up in jail. It was kind of interesting because in that one Batman actually marries Catwoman. The version I saw before that one had Batman dying halfway through the film because Michael Keaton got killed by a collapsing light rigging during the production. It always changes. I have to warn you, that thing is super addictive."

She stared at the glowing panel on th side of the `fridge.' "How does it always change?"

"It's in a cross dimensional limbo," she said with a shrug. "And it gets really hard to follow when Batman and Catwoman are literally cats from planet Poxmiq, or Jihadist Moslems. I think the worst one I saw was the one where Batman and the Penguin are friends and Ms. Kyle brings them cake and cookies."

"That's...fascinating." She frowned. It had been the most the stranger had ever spoken to her all at once, and it was mostly geek talk she couldn't care less about.

A loud submarine bell rang, and Kaluki felt a heavy thud beneath her feet.

I.T. stood up. "We're here."

He opened the door, and Kaluki found herself staring into sort of an immense shopping mall with a vast skylight and windows overlooking a massive gas giant smeared with green and purple clouds.

"Time and space," she muttered.

"Pretty much."

The place was crammed with strange looking creatures of various sizes and shapes, some vaguely human-like, others not so much. Reptile people, spiny porcupine people, little hairy people with segmented eyes, a giant cockroach in a dress, eyeless blue beetle faced women wearing double decker sports bras.

Suddenly a giant quadruple eyed grasshopper face filled her field of vision, its mandibles wrinkling its pale caucasian skin as it chomped on some kind of rolled cigarette or a joint. Its nictating eyelids refreshed its large black eyes as it tilted its head at an angle on its stumpy neck.

"Pardon me, miss," the thing said in a demonic sounding voice, its voice smelling like rotten bagels and carpet cleaner. 'You got a light?"

Kaluki opened her mouth to scream, then fainted.

She awoke to find herself shut inside a coffin-like green pod lined with a sticky pink substance that reminded her of denture adhesive.

She screamed and punched the lid, taking several cautious breaths when it popped open.

When the bug face popped into view, she screamed again.

"Honey, calm down," said a feminine sounding voice from the creature's mandibles. The thing had pale cream colored skin, a narrow, feminine face, and what appeared to be dreadlocks. It resembled the one that had solicited a lighter from her earlier.

"How can I calm down! I'm stuck in a coffin staring at a bug face!"

The creature's head drew back, its features contracting. "Now that was just plain rude!" It sighed. "But I'm willing to excuse your lack of manners just this once because you're one of those earth people and don't know any better."

Seeming to notice the girl hyperventilating, she added, "You can get out of there if you want. I won't hurt you."

Kaluki pushed the lid open wider, staring at her surroundings.

The I.T. guy was nowhere to be found.

Her pod coffin sat in a small round room lined with honeycomb shaped coffering. It seemed these things used the pods like sofas, because the smoker sat in one across from her, crossing his bug legs and closing his nictating eyes as he took a drag of...whatever it was, blowing out pink smoke.

They had sort of a low coffee table shaped like a toadstool and a pair of tall lamps that looked like the tops of spaceships in the movie War of the Worlds.

Her host wore a plethora of gold necklaces of interconnected cubes and square plates. She had on a black silk blouse with princess sleeves, and sort of a loincloth to cover the front portion of her six legged lower body. "Would you like a Pepsi?" she said. "Perhaps some Sprite or lemonade?"

"W-where am I?" Kaluki stammered. "Who are you?"

"You're in Hotel Block 82. My name is Otvaqna. The Saamit that gave you such a start is named Votrug."

The smoker leaned forward in his pod, making an odd purring noise.

Kaluki jumped out of her pod, discovering she was both barefoot and standing in something that felt like cold chicken grease. She looked down and found herself dressed in a kimono. "What!" she fumbled for the words. "You took my clothes off!"

"We only wanted to make you comfortable," said Otvaqna. "We researched what your people wear at home, and came to the conclusion that this outfit provides the ideal balance of warmth, softness and genital concealment."

She grimaced. "How long as I out?"

"Oh? An hour."

"You're kidding!" Feeling an itch, she reached for her scalp and found someone had braided her hair up like Princess Leia. "My hair!"

The creature seemed to blush, blue and pink patches spreading across the sides of its face. "I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. Human hair is so fun to play with, and yours is so pretty."

She rolled her eyes. "Where's the I.T. guy?"

The creatures stared at each other for a moment.

"Your friend took the TARDIS and went to fight the Cybermen," said Smoky. "He said it's not safe, so he's left you in our care, for your own protection."

"He's at the arcade," Otvaqna sighed. "Would you like something to eat?"


	3. Chapter 3: Arcade

"He's at the arcade," she repeated in disbelief. "Robots marching around the city killing people and he's playing Tekken."

The bugs gave her a blank look, obviously missing her clever pop culture reference. She sighed. "Where is this `arcade?'"

"I'll show you."

Smoky got up, leading her through the sludge to a raised area branching off in a series of tunnels.

As her feet squished unpleasantly on the spongy surface, she became frustrated at her barefootedness. "Where are my shoes?"

The bug opened the cover on a cubbyhole set in the wall, handing her a pair of neon orange crocs.

She frowned. "No thanks. I was wearing tennis shoes when I came here."

The bug gave her a shrug. "The coverings for your feet were filthy and worn looking. We placed them in a material recycler along with your clothing."

"You recycled my clothes!" she shouted.

"Where do you think we got your outfit from?"

"Of course," said Otvaqna. "We did have to stretch the material with our body silks..."

Kaluki blanched. "Body...silks? From where?"

Smoky pointed to a wall and a string of webbing spewed out. "Your people make vests out of worm and spider silk. Ours is much finer and stronger."

She shuddered. "I guess it'll have to do."

The mention of silk caused her to look inside her kimono. What she saw made her face take on a cherry mahogany tint. "I'm wearing lingerie!"

"You like it?" Otvaqna asked.

"No! It's creepy!"

"I thought it appropriate sleeping attire for humans."

"Only if they're in a porno!"

More blank looks.

Another shudder passed through her body. "Never mind."

She put on the crocs, following the bug through a convoluted white tunnel reminiscent of the tubes in an ant farm. After walking a few yards in this bewildering hive, she found herself in a five tiered complex that looked like a combination between a mall and a mushroom forest. The only note of familiarity was the skylight overlooking the swirling planet, and to her its meaning as a landmark was as significant as a nondescript McDonalds in McDonaldland.

She frowned at the parade of strange creatures, goat people with eyes in their mouths instead of their faces, deer people, bat people with pet floating jellyfish, a character that looked like Shamu in a robe.

In such a sea of weirdness, nobody seemed to care what she was wearing. The creatures stared at her with the same kind of mild interest an Arab might have when seeing a Texan with a ten gallon hat at an airport.

Without warning, her guide stepped behind her, wrapping two arms around her chest and two around her waist, its third set of arms supporting her seat in a way that made her feel violated.

"Hey!" she shouted. "Keep your grubby pincers to yourself!"

"Apologies," Smoky said. "But our expedient method of transport requires you to overcome certain physical contact phobias."

"Ugh!" she cried. "Just shut up and let go of me!"

"If you knew what I was about to embark upon, asking me to release you would be the last thing you'd want to do."

"What?"

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something silvery and thin exploding from the creature's back, then they were airborne.

To Kaluki, it felt like being pulled across a zip cord above a Cirque Du Soleil performance. Like the Cirque, a myriad of strange otherworldly creatures paraded beneath her, but they lacked the dancers' grace and generally looked bored.

A moment later, she was zooming over a balcony on one of the tall mushroom things, descending on a crowded landing full of machines with flat computer monitors equipped with a wide assortment of peripherals.

Rodent creatures pushed buttons on some of the machines with the dull expression you generally saw on video poker players. Armored rhinos engaged in sword battles with robotic sparring partners, and a green furry woman ran through a painful looking obstacle course that bore a striking resemblance to Super Mario Brothers.

Kaluki followed the bug through this noisy, distracting chaos, across a flashing dance floor full of fast dancing three eyed lemurs, ignoring the holographic instructors and rapidly moving bird and insect footprints they were coached to step on.

She bumped into a hairy blue thing that looked like Cousin Itt from the Addams Family, causing it to gibber at her angrily. She apologized, but it didn't help. She kept going.

She found IT Guy standing inside a long glass room with a glowing white floor, aiming a shiny oddly shaped gun at one of those metal robots that had been chasing her earlier. Cybermen.

The sloth-like man casually fired at the thing, which seemed to be marching at half the speed she was used to seeing them move. The shots did nothing.

Although she hesitated outside the box, the bug was indifferent, opening an automatic sliding door on the far end.

"Is it safe?" Kaluki asked.

"We wouldn't keep a real Cyberman in there."

Breathing a sigh of relief, she marched in, frowning at her slack jawed acquaintance.

She put both hands on her hips. "What are you doing!"

He gave her an impassive sideways glance. "Stuff."

He turned his head. "Nice outfit."

"Shut up."


End file.
